The Morgan Family

Friday, August 31, 2012

I look at all the lonely people

When I was single, I went through major bouts of loneliness.  I had great friends around me and despite a variety of different jobs and situations, churches, community, and all the "things" I could ever want to buy, I was lonely.  My heart would long for "the one" thinking that if I just met the right guy I wouldn't be lonely anymore.  Being single, especially in your thirties, is a very difficult place to be.  If you know anyone in that stage of life, please be very kind to them and surround them with every ounce of support you can imagine.  (This does NOT mean ask them if they've met someone every time you see them).

And then, I did meet "the one."  And it is great!  All those times I thought "I wish I had someone to eat dinner with" or "I wish I had someone to run errands with" was now a non-issue.  And of course, I thought my loneliness would go away.  I was wrong.  Now before you read into this, please understand that my husband is awesome and we have a great relationship.  This is not a marriage issue.  But what I'm finding is that there are MANY women like me who think that marriage will solve their loneliness issues and some get married solely for this reason.  If you think that is the case, you are sorely mistaken.  In fact, if this is why you're getting married, then it may be time to reevaluate.

Marriage does not solve loneliness.  And let me dispel another myth.  Kids do NOT solve loneliness...if anything, they make it worse.  Again, I love my son and am excited for our next child to join our family.  I wouldn't give up my family for anything.  But these issues are not related unless you use one to try and fix the other.  When you have kids, you become even more isolated.  You have way less time to spend with your friends and some people you thought were your friends seem to disappear or just distance themselves because they're not willing to do the work to make the friendship adapt to your new situations.  Your kids take priority in your life which means your friendships take a far backseat to your family which means your friendships tend to suffer.

I have a dear friend whom I adore that I spoke to about this today.  She and her husband have an adult child that doesn't live at home.  She told me she and her husband sit at home most weekends because many people believe they are busy so they don't ask them to do anything.  And then, when they see that other people did stuff their feelings are hurt and don't understand why they weren't invited.  MAN I can relate to this!!  Can you?

Why am I talking about this?  Because when we're lonely, we feel alone, isolated.  And yet, I believe that there are MANY people out there (especially women) who are dealing with this loneliness.  We feel like if we tell anyone about it then we sound weak, needy, and undesirable as a friend.  But if we all feel this way from time to time (or much of the time) then we NEED to talk about it!

I am a working mother that travels a lot, especially in the fall.  This pushes me further and further away from people and results in me feeling isolated.  Then I see all the things I perceive people doing together (and not inviting me) and I think they don't want me around.  This isolates me even further.  Then I don't ask people to hang out because I perceive they "don't like me" or "don't want to hang out with me."  Which makes me even more isolated.  As you can see, this cycle only continues in a downward spiral.

For some this spiral leads to depression.  This was me at one time.  Thankfully I have learned to combat that and know where/when to raise the red flag.  But I have a great deal of compassion for those that aren't able to beat that on their own and hope, if this is you, you will seek help.  For some this spiral leads to negative behaviors whether it be seeking bad relationships or leaning on other methods of numbing your feelings.

Regardless of your position in life, loneliness is something we all deal with.  And it is nothing that any one individual can "fix" for you.  But maybe if more of us talked about how lonely we feel, we wouldn't feel so alone!

Psalm 68:6 "God sets the lonely in families..."  Praying my little James isn't lonely tonight.

5 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart and being real!

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  2. Amanda - I get together with some friends about every other Friday at Gordon Biersch at 3 pm just to have appetizers and have some girl time. We are only there about an hour; hour and a half max, but we do it to stay sane in our life and to make sure we don't lose touch with being moms that work, even though our children vary from grown adult daughters with kids of their own to a teenager with her drivers permit. You are more than welcome to join us even if you only have a half hour. It's the one at Town Center. We met up today and will again in a couple weeks. Plus, the benefit of apps is that it's during happy hour so they are only a few dollars! :-) Let me know if you want to come. You now have an open invite!

    Cindy Butler

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    1. Thanks so much for the invite! We are out of town most weekends through the fall but I will definitely touch base when I know we will be here and hopefully come join you guys!

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  3. I wrote about this not long ago, although I'm not quite in my 30s! I completely agree about the downward spiral and sometimes, I find it extremely difficult to shed my safety net and put myself out there to make friends.

    Why is being an adult so hard!?!?! Gosh!

    http://canidecideanotherday.blogspot.com/2012/08/new-places-new-faces.html

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