Tuesday, September 27, 2011

this is about the best a working mom can do

yeah, i realize there are working moms out there that do it all...the laundry, the dishes, toilets and windows, 2am feedings, pack their lunch and their husbands, and so on and so forth...i just haven't met many of them. wait, is that maybe because we think everyone else has it together but don't give ourselves enough credit for everything we do? hmm...

last time i posted i was 21 weeks pregnant. now i have a 21 week old. what in the world!?!? yes, it's true, my son, Jack Windsor was born on April 28th. that whole experience is something i have documented but i'm pretty sure i'm keeping that just for us and not for the whole world to read. at least not yet. i did have a c-section because i had a baby that was over 10 lbs...now he's 23lbs. he was also 22 1/4 inches long at birth...now he's 29. i can't believe my 5 month old is ginormous! hah! i'm still reeling with the fact that i have a baby.

so about working motherhood. here's what's up. i work because i support my family. my husband is an amazing man and we decided he would go to grad school full time while i had a great job. we also didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly so truly i thought he'd be finished with school by the time Jack was born...didn't happen. regardless (or irregardless and we would joke at home), i would still have to work because my husband wants to be a teacher. i'm very supportive of this but it doesn't change the fact that i'd rather be at home with my son. because i had a c-section i was given 8 weeks short term disability. i took an additional 4 as was allowed by law. either way, going back to work with a 12 week old was still one of the most difficult things i've ever done. since my husband is teaching, that still gave us an additional 6 weeks where Jack could be at home with the hubs. in the meantime not only was it time for me to go back to work full time but it was time for me to start traveling again. i have a great job and in the past it's been great to have the option for travel...not as appealing these days. when my son was 14 weeks old i left to fly (literally) halfway around the world for a work trip to korea. thankfully the hunger games kept my mind occupied and skype kept us in touch. still ripped my heart out. one week after returning home i turned around and flew to italy for a week (don't be jealous, it was heart wrenching). now i'm home for a few more weeks until i leave for another week. i can't help but think that by Christmas i will have missed 4 whole weeks of Jack's life.

the point of all this is that i have an amazing job, an amazing husband, an amazing son, and an amazing support system (not necessarily in that order). but no matter what, it still hurts my heart to leave him. i know he is getting everything he needs when i am gone but it's still not me. i'm realizing this is much more difficult for me than my 5 month old who doesn't really know anything is out of sorts. well, it may be more difficult for my husband who has to play single dad for a week while also working and holding down the fort at home. i caught a good one!!

all i'm really trying to say is what i told my friend lisa, many kids of lesser households go through much worse situations that being left at a sitter or day care or family members home during the day while their moms are at work. kids are resilient. and if we can get passed ourselves and our own insecurities and inadequacies, maybe we can teach our kids that we do what we do because we love them and we want the best for them. and we make these choices for those reasons. AND maybe we ourselves need to realize that no one has it all together. if they look like they do then they're faking. no one's house is perfectly clean (except my friend Rachel's), and has the perfect kid(s) (except my sister Sita), and has everything going for them at work, and so on and so forth...NO ONE! so stop beating yourself up for thinking you're lacking and just love your kids!