Monday, July 7, 2014

Right here, right now

Wow, how has it been so long?  It's not because I have had nothing to say, it's because what I have wanted to say is un-shareable.  I used to think that a blog was where you could go write and get things out but the reality is, for the love of people that I love or are supposed to love, that's not possible.

Here's what I can share.  My boys are awesome.  I am so thankful for my family.  My little ginger is the funniest, craziest little man and I adore him.  And then there's my Ugandan.  Oh, my dear Ugandan.  My words can never express the way that boy holds my heart.  The more his language explodes, the more we get to know his personality and the more and more I love him.  If that's possible.  Every day I look at him it makes me long for Uganda.

Let me explain.  Uganda is a place unlike any other I've been to.  The people are so different than us here.  We take so much for granted.  We expect that things will be a certain way or that we'll have access to certain things.  We expect that there will always be food, always be power, always be airtime on our phones...these expectations are not so there.  These and so much more.  So yes, the people are different, they see the world differently, in a way I only wish I could grasp once a day.

When I was in Uganda for our adoption, it took me a long time to adjust.  Some of that was the anxiety of just being there, some of it was the adoption itself, most of it was my expectations that I should have just checked at the door. I vowed when I came home to learn from those expectations and keep them checked, to value God's plan and His timing in whatever manner that presented itself.  I am failing.

Just this week I have experienced multiple instances of racism toward our family and my son.  Oh how it hurts my heart.  He has no idea any of this is happening...yet, but I know one day he will.  And he will wonder why his brother is treated differently by the world.  The reality is, this, like what I learned in Uganda, my own expectations need to get checked at the door.  Now, don't get me wrong, I will defend my son to the highest measure if needed, but these cases were not overt cases.  It's not like he didn't get a seat on the plane because he's black, we just got treated poorly with some very condescending looks.  Or hearing those broad, general statements some make about entire people groups.  Here's a tip, any time you are about to say "white people," "black people" "Ugandan people" etc. you may want to stop and rethink that statement.  No one people group should ever be generalized to that point.

Anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't to fight racism.  It was to share how we're doing.  How well Jonah is adjusting and how much like twins my boys have become.  How they long to be near each other even though they fight when they're together.  How amazing Jonah's language is developing and how our social worker is impressed with his progress!

But we're also struggling.  There are still attachment issues that we deal with.  We're growing and it's getting better, but we've still only had Jonah home with us for 8 months.  That's not a ton of time in the grand scheme of things!  We still have tantrums that are not your typical 2-3 year old tantrums.  They're getting better, but they still rear their ugly head and are very painful.  On top of that, the boys had just started getting excited about having a new baby brother or sister.  Unfortunately, at our 12 week appointment we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped growing between 10 and 11 weeks.

I don't say all this for your sympathy.  I love our family.  We are never guaranteed tomorrow.  So while I love my kids, we are not promised that we will get to see them grow into adults, get married, have kids, etc.  We were never told those expectations are realistic.  I cherish every day with my boys and my husband because we never know when it will be our last.  That is not living in fear but just in the moment.  That doesn't make the today's easier when we deal with racism or lose a baby, but it does make me check my expectations at the door and live right here, right now.