I get it, we're different.

I haven't posted in a while because once we actually got a court date in Uganda we went underground with our updates for our security and just general privacy about our case.  That being said, we are now home from Uganda with our little boy, Jonah, and are a happily transitioning family of four!  Part of that transition clearly includes the fact that Jonah is black and we're white (sshhhhh....don't tell anyone).  In our (short) time home we've already experienced the looks, the stares, the hush hush of comments, etc.  I'm ok with it.  We knew it was coming.  I don't think you can really prepare yourself for it but at least we had an awareness it would be there.

The first week we were home my husband and I took our new son to the school where my husband teaches. He works at a predominantly black middle school in a nearby city to ours.  After we visited his fellow teachers, we decided to go to Cookout (a fast food place) close to his school.  As we're sitting in the drive thru with the windows down I see the kid working the window turn around and say something to the girl to which she mouthed "black baby" with a shocked look on her face.  Now don't get me wrong, I get it.  This is not something you see everyday.  And we were in their neighborhood.  But from there she did everything she could to look and then found a reason to come to the window to ask us "would you like ketchup with your order" just so she could see for herself.  By no means does this upset me.  I just don't really want people taking turns looking and staring like we're a circus act. I get it, we're different.

My son is a minority.  Not only because of his skin color but because of the skin color of his parents.  He will have to deal with racism like I have never or will never experience.  He will have to deal with parents who he KNOWS doesn't understand the extent of what he's dealing with.  On top of that, he will have to deal with people continually questioning his family because he doesn't look like the rest of us.

Every white person in the world should have to go spend time in a place where they truly are the minority.  I know I didn't experience even a portion of what he will in his life.  But everyone should have to at least know what it feels like to be stared at because you're different, feel out of place because no one looks like you, feel like people are burning into you with their eyes wondering what you're doing there or if you just found yourself in the wrong place, feel like your safety is constantly in question because you don't know who you can and can't trust.

It's not like these are new concepts.  The fact that every time I question what we're watching on tv because there's no one in the sitcom/cartoon/movie that's black.  The fact that I am constantly thinking about if/when we move what school district we'll be in to ensure there is a diverse population.  The fact that regardless of who or what I thought about the Trayvon Martin case, a young black boy is dead.  I do want this responsibility and everything that comes with it.  These are things that SHOULD concern me because my son is black and I want the best for him.  But here's the thing.  Even if you're white.  Even if you don't have a black kid.  Even if you don't know one single person of another color in.this.whole.world.  These things should concern you too.

Expectations

I'm not entirely sure how I should be feeling?  Do you ever get this way?  When you think there's a "right" or "wrong" way to be feeling?  Should I be excited because the next time I fly it will most likely be going to Uganda?  Should I be terrified about the reality of having two little (2 year old) boys that are MINE?  Should I be "cherishing every moment" that our family is this perfect little unit (I'm using the term perfect loosely here, go with it)?

I just read a blog post about adoptive moms (you should read it here) and what stuck out most to me was the part about adoption not being pregnancy because there is no due date.  We knew we were in for a long process or we wouldn't have started it when our bio son was 6 months old.  And in reality, it has been about the length we could have expected.  But now, closer to the end, the waiting is excruciating.  And the hardest part is, there is no end in site.  Sure, we know that we "should" get a court date in the next month or so.  We "should" be traveling in the next few weeks/months.  We "should" be home with our son by Christmas.  But there are no certainties in this world except death (and taxes).

I'm not trying to be a downer by writing this post.  The reality is, I just finished a book called The Fault in Our Stars which, despite being about kids dying of cancer, is really a call to live.  When I get asked "are you excited?" or "I bet you just can't wait" I usually just smile and nod.  Because isn't it a given, when you seek out to adopt a child, that you are excited and looking forward to having them home with you?  The reality is, I live with a constant knot in the pit of my stomach.  The "what if's" are always looming in the back of my mind wondering if, in fact, I'll ever actually get to meet my son whom I love despite never having met him and, if I get to meet him, will I ever actually get to bring him home.

I get that there is no "right" way to feel.  The problem is, there are so few people in the world that can understand how I actually am feeling that it's easier just not to share it with anyone (or just the one or two that I know get it).

If I learned anything from life and grad school, I learned to state my expectations.  I am not implying that by stating them they will necessarily be met, but at least they will be out there for consumption.  I expect to hear of our court date in the next 2 weeks.  I expect to travel to Uganda in the next 60 days.  I expect to be in country for approximately 60 days.  I expect to get to travel during a similar (if not the same) time period as my dear friend also adopting.  I expect that my parents (this includes my in-laws) love us and our son so very much that they will care dearly and deeply for our Jack so he does not feel abandoned for the time we are away picking up his brother. I expect that my dear coworkers/friends who have been so supportive through this ordeal will step in and take care of things for me while I'm gone.  I expect that our church who has been so trusting and caring with our family will circle around us in our time of major transition.

The thing about expectations is, these will not all happen as I desire.  And yet, some of them have already begun to happen.  The thing about life is, I cannot plan it.  And yet, the life God has granted me is immeasurably greater than the life I expected. 

A long awaited blessing...

I have waited a long time to write this post.  And some would expect that it would be so filled with joy that you would want to gag!  Trust me, it is.  We are OVERJOYED to share with you that we have received a referral for a little boy!  He is just a bit younger than Jack which is what we requested but not by much!  In fact, we will be celebrating his birthday without him soon (but you can imagine what a birthday he will have once he gets here)!  I wish I could show you a picture of his beautiful face.  However, until we come home, we will call him baby J and I will not be sharing any pictures online.  I can tell you this, because of his age, we have decided to keep his given name (but it does work out well because it is a "J" name too)!  So we will not be calling him James as previously discussed, and you will hopefully learn his real name soon enough!

When I saw his face, I almost cried.  I couldn't believe it.  I think I was in shock.  We were actually out of town that weekend.  We were staying with friends, Jack was staying in the same room as us, and he hadn't slept well that night.  It was 5:30 in the morning and Jack was trying to crawl into bed with us...I was resisting this with all that was within me because I knew at that point it was all over and none of us were going back to sleep.  Since I felt this was inevitable, I grabbed my phone and took a look...and there it was.  An email from our point of contact with his beautiful picture, name, and a (small) snippet of information about him.

Ok, now I have shared my joy with you, but please, bear with me when I share the rest of my heart. Over the past year, our eyes have been opened to the joys and sorrows of international adoption and while we are ecstatic to have a referral, we ask that you pray harder now than ever.

As we've stated time and time again, our number one priority is the welfare of children, orphaned or otherwise.  In the US, there are pretty clear standards as to what makes a child "adoptable".  Not as much the case in many international countries...especially non-Hague countries.

We have received a referral directly from a babies home instead of from our agency.  We have chosen not to work with our former agency however we believe that agency is still amazing and working for the best interest of children in Uganda.  We did not choose to move forward with them for many reasons which I would be more than happy to discuss, but not in a blog.  Just note that we would be very happy to work with them again, and to recommend them to families looking to adopt in the future.  It's just not the route we are taking for us for now.

We have a referral.  But now is just the beginning.  The waiting will still continue and now is the waiting that is the scariest for me.  As a mother of a beautiful two year old ginger, I go through a range of emotions regarding adoption all together.  How difficult it must be to give up your child for adoption.  How you must run through a plethora of reasons and wonders as to the right decisions for your child.  So many coercive people and pressures in other countries.  The horror stories I've heard from other adoptive families.

Here's where we stand.  We are walking through the process with our babies home, our lawyer, and some amazing and supportive friends God has placed in our life (some of which who have or are going through this too).  We have been working to get everything together to submit for a court date.  This has included our lawyer in Uganda speaking to the living family members of the child referred to us.  At any point in time, if any one of those family members speaks up and says they want to care for the child, we will lose the referral.  Of course that would be heartbreaking, we already love this child and want him here with us.  Yet, while we are torn by our emotions, we would never want you to pray that his family doesn't want him.

Next we wait on a court date and once we know that, we know when we get to travel!!  I may or may not be writing between now and whenever we travel.  Communications at this point get iffy because in reality, this is not our child until we have legal guardianship in Uganda.  This means talking about him in any sense can put our case in jeopardy.  Once we travel we will be setting up another means of communication while we are in the country and at that point, if you are interested in getting our updates, I'll publish how people can contact us for access.

So hold on to your butts!  It's about to be a wild ride!!  We covet your thoughts and prayers!!

This water is fertile - and what's going on in Uganda?

When I started writing this it was only going to be about the first part of the blog but boy did it take a turn - hence the two names.  Sorry it's so long but it really is some vital information!!!
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There are pregnant women coming out of the woodwork!!  I can think of at least seven ELEVEN people just off the top of my head that are expecting all due between June and October.  Babies, babies everywhere!!  Except here.  Ugh, I have seen so many people get pregnant and have babies in the time that we have been through this wait...and there's no certainty on the length to come.  Please don't hear this as a complaint.  We are so extremely ecstatic at our friends who are having babies!  We love these people and their families and love to see God blessing them with beautiful children.  But that doesn't make the wait any easier.  And sometimes I question just expanding our family that way which is completely feasible.

We know we are supposed to be adopting in Uganda.  That is clear.  And for us to rush anything or get pregnant would just be selfish at this point in time.  Please keep us in your hearts and prayers as we do make some big decisions about the details of our adoption.  Please know that as soon as we can share any details with you we will!!

In the meantime, let me talk about a few things that are on our hearts right now.  I know I have said it before but I want to reiterate it here:

Our number one goal for the orphaned children of Uganda (and really every country) is that, if possible, they would be reunified with their family.  We would not go to poverty stricken rural America or the inner cities and say "you are so poor you do not deserve to have children."  Poverty should NOT be a reason for these international adoptions.  If we really want to help the poverty stricken, we should be engaging in the communities to help the families find ways to generate income to be able to keep their families together.  There are some great organizations in Uganda attempting to do as such and help rebuild lives and families.  There may be a (temporary) time when these families need others to care for and educate their children while they get back on their feet however, international adoption should not be the answer for these children.

Our second goal for the orphaned children of Uganda (and every country) is that, if possible, they stay in Uganda.  While there is much poverty and high birth rates to families, there are still opportunities for children to be in foster homes and families (their own extended family or otherwise) who will ultimately love and care for these children in their country of origin.

Finally, and only after these other two options have been fully exhausted, should international adoption be considered.  Of course there are needs for children in Uganda and elsewhere in the world (including the US) to be in families because no one else can or will take them.  These children should absolutely be allowed to be placed with families who love them and want them as their own.

It is imperative to us that we make these things known in our community and in that of the international adoption communities.  Far too often parents set out with good intentions but also some selfish ambition.  We were very naive when we started this process because we always hear about how many orphans are in the world.  And there are!!!  Please don't hear me say there isn't a need and a place for adoption (international or otherwise).  But we have been charged with the knowledge that human trafficking can be conducted under the auspice of international adoption.  And some times without the adoptive parents even knowing it.  There are so many stories I could tell you about these types of situations but they are not my stories to tell.  Yet the more we sit idle or turn a blind eye to these situations, the more it will continue to happen.

If you have any questions regarding anything I've said here, please feel free to contact me offline.  I'd love to talk more about any aspect of this.  And if you're reading this and just wading in the waters of international adoption, please look at this with open eyes and hearts and ASK QUESTIONS!!!

There are also organizations focused on the things I discussed above that would love to have the assistance of those outside of Uganda.  One that we have started to learn about recently is called Arise and Shine Uganda.  The founder of this is a Uganda woman whose goals are very much in alignment with the things I mentioned above.  You should check it out (www.ariseandshineuganda.com)!

What this has done for us is made us realize one thing.  Adoption is very important (we kinda already knew that).  But adoption is only treating a symptom of the bigger problem.  We are called not only to help the widows and orphans but also to build strong families and better communities.  So it is our intention to not only adopt in Uganda but also to come alongside those who are doing the work in building families and communities to help treat the real problem.  And ultimately, the better we get with that, the less need for adoption there will be, and that, my friends, is really our hope.