Expectations

I'm not entirely sure how I should be feeling?  Do you ever get this way?  When you think there's a "right" or "wrong" way to be feeling?  Should I be excited because the next time I fly it will most likely be going to Uganda?  Should I be terrified about the reality of having two little (2 year old) boys that are MINE?  Should I be "cherishing every moment" that our family is this perfect little unit (I'm using the term perfect loosely here, go with it)?

I just read a blog post about adoptive moms (you should read it here) and what stuck out most to me was the part about adoption not being pregnancy because there is no due date.  We knew we were in for a long process or we wouldn't have started it when our bio son was 6 months old.  And in reality, it has been about the length we could have expected.  But now, closer to the end, the waiting is excruciating.  And the hardest part is, there is no end in site.  Sure, we know that we "should" get a court date in the next month or so.  We "should" be traveling in the next few weeks/months.  We "should" be home with our son by Christmas.  But there are no certainties in this world except death (and taxes).

I'm not trying to be a downer by writing this post.  The reality is, I just finished a book called The Fault in Our Stars which, despite being about kids dying of cancer, is really a call to live.  When I get asked "are you excited?" or "I bet you just can't wait" I usually just smile and nod.  Because isn't it a given, when you seek out to adopt a child, that you are excited and looking forward to having them home with you?  The reality is, I live with a constant knot in the pit of my stomach.  The "what if's" are always looming in the back of my mind wondering if, in fact, I'll ever actually get to meet my son whom I love despite never having met him and, if I get to meet him, will I ever actually get to bring him home.

I get that there is no "right" way to feel.  The problem is, there are so few people in the world that can understand how I actually am feeling that it's easier just not to share it with anyone (or just the one or two that I know get it).

If I learned anything from life and grad school, I learned to state my expectations.  I am not implying that by stating them they will necessarily be met, but at least they will be out there for consumption.  I expect to hear of our court date in the next 2 weeks.  I expect to travel to Uganda in the next 60 days.  I expect to be in country for approximately 60 days.  I expect to get to travel during a similar (if not the same) time period as my dear friend also adopting.  I expect that my parents (this includes my in-laws) love us and our son so very much that they will care dearly and deeply for our Jack so he does not feel abandoned for the time we are away picking up his brother. I expect that my dear coworkers/friends who have been so supportive through this ordeal will step in and take care of things for me while I'm gone.  I expect that our church who has been so trusting and caring with our family will circle around us in our time of major transition.

The thing about expectations is, these will not all happen as I desire.  And yet, some of them have already begun to happen.  The thing about life is, I cannot plan it.  And yet, the life God has granted me is immeasurably greater than the life I expected. 

Hurry up and wait

I know, I know, it's been forever.  I'm sorry.  While there are things working together for progress, most of them I cannot share at this time.  My eyes are continually opened to the inner-workings of domestic and international adoption and it is pretty unbelievable sometimes.  We have been in this process for over 18 months and sometimes it feels like we've come so far and other times it seems like we haven't even moved at all!

What I can tell you about this process is how blessed we are with our community!  We have met and established some amazing adoption friends both local and national, some of which help me just get through the day!    In addition to the adoption community, we have been blessed by an amazing church community.  Over a year ago my husband established a guys group that has been so exciting to watch.  These guys have just begun to sharpen each other in ways I could have never imagined!  I am so thankful for these men who have committed themselves to the Lord and their families and I know lives are changing!  There's also our small group(s).  We were able to participate in an adoption small group and we still feel so much a part of the lives of those families who are adopting and fostering to adopt and I love to see how these families are growing.  And now we've got another group of amazing families, young and old, that are facing some immensely tough times in their lives and God has truly blessed us all by being a committed family and helping each other.  I don't know where we'd be without all these people in our lives.  The waiting can be so agonizing but we press on toward the goal!

I have been reading David Platt lately (almost done with Radical, moving on to Follow Me) and it has been a great challenge.  And what I keep hearing God say (in SO may ways) is that we have been following and now we need to stay on the course and stay put.  So many times we see what we're supposed to do and try to make it happen ourselves.  I think "ok God, you've shown me the way, now I'll go ahead and get there of my own accord."  What nonsense!  And yet, my selfish, controlling spirit takes over.  We have known for a long time we are called to adopt from Uganda.  We have done everything we can to move on this calling and now we continue to wait.  Thankfully, we know this is not for nothing!!

Thanks so much to so many of you who continue to pray for us, for the orphans of the world, and for where God will be taking us after our adoption is complete.  Please keep praying in our waiting!

Isaiah 40:30-31 - Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted; but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Lam 3:25 - The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him.


Micah 7:7 - Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will
hear me.

Hosea 12:6 - So you, by the help of your God, return; observe mercy and justice, and wait on your
God continually.

factions in the church and my heart

I've been trying to get a post in for a while but my heart has been heavy with a lot of things going on.  I can't imagine what Paul must have gone through when carrying the burden of the early churches at Corinth, Phillipi, Thessaloniki, Ephesus, Galatia, etc.  And he was far away and probably felt even more helpless than we do at times.  We are just praying (and asking for your prayers) over people and situations that everyone from elders and staff through every person in the congregation would take heed to Micah 6:8:  He has told you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.  We serve a just God and he will have his justice but we are not here to act on his behalf.  Acting justly is on us, how we treat others, not carrying out His wrath.  You cannot simultaneously attempt to carry out God's wrath and love mercy at the same time (or walk humbly either).

We are still humans with feelings of pain and hurt and will do stupid things from time to time.  But if we are selfless, act in love, and think before we speak, we have a much greater attempt to come out unscathed and hurt way less people in the process.

Ok, that aside...as we walk through the holidays there are so many things happening around us.  SO MANY of our friends have recently gotten engaged (I think we will attend 5 weddings between March and July).  I am ecstatic about this but I just keep thinking of more wedding pictures where our family will be incomplete. A lot of our friends are either getting pregnant or attempting to get pregnant.  I think it will be very difficult for me to watch someone get pregnant and have a baby in less time than when I get to bring my baby boy home.  Again, I'm super excited for these friends, it just pulls at my heart to think my baby is alive but not with us yet.  No, I do not technically know that he is alive yet, but we believe very strongly that as we have prayed for him that he is already here in this world.

The most difficult thing at the holidays is that in my core I hope and pray that by the next holiday season we will have both our boys with us but there are no guarantees.  And the thought of us still waiting at that point is very difficult for me to accept as a possibility.  It creates factions in my heart to want to just give up.  Of course we wouldn't because we are fighting for our child here (well, not fighting but sometimes it feels that way).  And we know this is right where we're supposed to be and, as always have to trust His sovereign timing.